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Posts archive for: March, 2009
  • Tonights Tally

    48 minutes
    13.5 miles
    5 potholes avoided that weren't there at the end of last summer
    2 potholes not avoided that weren't there at the end of last summer
    2 f*cking arseholes
    1 where the f*ck do you think you're going
    1 badly aimed right footed swipe at the rear quarter panel of a blue Mondeo
    1 ticking off from the police man travelling a few more cars behind
    1 sore arse (from the bike seat if you puhleeese)

    Fortunately as Plod finished reprimanding me he set off in pursuit of the Mondeo for what I hope was a much sterner ticking off as even by the policemans own admission the Mondeo had no right to squeeze through between me and the bus turning right. Although I do now accept that kicking out at passing cars who have p*ssed me off is not the wisest move as a defenceless cyclist. But if you don't ride aggressively....

    On the positive side I didnt have too much trouble with the big long hill thats between work and home. Shame it can't be said of the mobile fish and chip van which was dragging me relentlessly into its orbit. By sheer willpower alone I carried on. Just the one pint at the Plough as well but heck, thats near as dammit home anyway so it was hardly an interruption. The first airing of the mp3 player since last summer also bought back some Fratelli-induced good memories so not all bad...

    I wonder how long before I am back to last summers average times of 32/33 minutes.

    Masochistic as it may seem, the sportsman in me tells me its good to feel my thighs burning again...a bit how I'd expect them to feel after swimming pool sex which gave me plenty to think about on the way home....

  • Awareness test

    Just how observational are you???

    See if you can pass this test.


  • 10 Rules

    1. BBQ's in March are ALWAYS a bad idea
    2. BBQ's in March that have had the benefit of artificial accelerant to overcome 'the dampness in the air' are ALWAYS best left to burn themselves out.
    3. Empty vessels make most noise. Except if you attempt to move a towering inferno of a BBQ away from parked cars which ALWAYS results in burnt fingers. As does using a burning log for an improvised karaoke microphone
    4. 4 x bottles of 9% Belgium Blonde ALWAYS gets you more drunk that 9 x bottles of 4% Becks. Fact. It is I tell you.
    5. Despite outward appearances of hipness and cooldom, ad agency staff are ALWAYS the most boring and self-centred organisms on the planet.
    6. Familiarity breeds contempt. As do ad agency staff. Still, at least they ALWAYS pick up the bill to make you like them. For a few minutes.
    7. Although a watched pot ALWAYS boils if you give it long enough, a watched Inbox doesn't always yield fruit.
    8. He who fails to study the past is ALWAYS doomed to repeat it. The trick is to make it sumptuous beyond description.
    9. Getting to 8 on a list and running out of inspiration ALWAYS leads to feelings of frustration. Like when all there is left to drink in the office is fizz.
    10. Yellow photocopier paper is not luminous. But its ALWAYS better than nothing when you've left your bike lights at home. Time to hit the road

  • The Picnic

    It was a beautifully warm late afternoon on the Catalan coast.

    I was high up on a hillside, overlooking a picture-postcard bay, full of small pleasure boats and although in the distance I could see a crowded beach, I settled down to my own slice of splendid isolation for the next couple of hours.

    I had just about finished a bottle of my favourite Marques de Caceres and lay down on my picnic rug and closed my eyes, letting the soothing rays of the sun wash over me and take me to places far away.

    After a while, I suddenly became aware of the crunch of footsteps on the path that bought me down to this clearing on the hill and as I looked up I saw her standing before me. She looked almost angelic in a white cotton dress, made transparent by the low early evening sun giving outline and definition to her thighs, the gentle breeze pressing the crisp material firmly against her tanned body.

    I urgently leapt to my feet, sending my half-full wine glass crashing over the blanket and into my remaining pistachios. I wiped the dribble from my mouth that had appeared in the few minutes of peaceful slumber, scratched the sleep from my eyes, straightened my hair and rubbed my cheek to remove the red scar left by the blades of grass pressing into my comatose face. Frankly, I looked a bit of a sight.

    I squinted through the dappled sunlight and, seeing who was standing before me, realised I was still dreaming and thought "fuck it - rewind", lets do that bit again, minus the 'acting like a cock' bit.

    Once more, I suddenly became aware of the crunch of footsteps on the path that bought me down to this clearing on the hill and as I looked up I saw her standing before me. She looked almost angelic in a white cotton dress, made transparent by the low early evening sun giving outline and definition to her thighs, the gentle breeze pressing the crisp material firmly against her tanned body. I urgently leapt to my feet, my pink cotton shirt billowed by the hillside breeze, hung loosely around my tanned torso and my shorts gripped tightly around my thighs.

    I motioned for her to come closer and reached out to her hands, our fingers entwining to create that single being once more. Silently, I pulled her towards me and breathed-in the soft aroma of her freshly washed hair. A loose strand tickled my nose and I thought I was about to sneeze but with a couple of violent shakes of my head I managed to supress it. She looked slightly startled but I calmed her by leaning across and slowly tracing a line with my tongue along her sensuous shoulders and up the side of her neck. I could see her soft downy neck-hair laying flat from my saliva as my tongue traced its line along her olive skin although I found that I icked a few times as she had just applied a fresh coating of Factor 15 and I tried in vain to dislodge the metallic taste spreading across my mouth.

    Her hands and their slender graceful fingers traced down my forearms and slipped around my waist whilst her legs parted slightly allowing one of my thighs to press gently against her warm mound, causing gentle ripples of exctiement to flow upwards from her stomach. She let her head fall gently backwards until our gazes met and she smiled - that seismic smile that set those fireworks off above her head again which burn brightly then fall gently as goosebumps on my arms.

    As I leaned my head closer to hers I could feel the soft caresses of her quickening breath on my lips. I tried not to reel too much from the sickly odour of the garlic prawns she had eaten for lunch. I blinked rather too often to be incongruous, subduing my desire to heave slightly, and allowed my bottom lip to gently caress the gap between her plump buds. With no apparent resistance, her mouth parted and my tongue felt its way inside onto her own moist tongue, picking out tiny specks of flavoursome prawn as it went.

    Our mouths locked together, tongues intertwined like two sea-lions mating in the surf. Twenty years of un-bidden passion came bubbling to the surface along with a touch of reflux from the Marques de Caceres. My throat burned as I swallowed it down quickly and rasped once or twice to clear it once and for all.

    I pulled her tighter still towards me so she could feel the first beginnings of the excitement between my legs. I kissed her again, overcome with the passion in the warmth of the late afternoon sun, as I forgot my duties and responsibilites for just a few glorious minutes. I heard the distant sound of castanets wafting across the breeze but the winced look of pain on her face told me I had mistaken them for her back protesting to my squeeze. I released my grip slightly and her spine straightened back into its natural position once more. The numb tingling sensation in her left hand subsided as rapidly as it had arrived.

    I reached down to the hem of her dress and began to trace a line up the outside of her leg with the index finger of my right hand, making small circular motions as it went. With my left hand, I cupped her head as I kissed her long and passionately. As I reached up as far as her underwear I slipped my thumb under the waistband, suprised at the tighness to her skin. Through age, the elastic had worn through the material at the top and the act of sliding my thumb underneath, caused a rather nasty burn across the inside of the joint. With my thumb inside I reached further across with my entire hand, and to no protests, felt across to grip the flesh of her arse-cheek tightly. I squeezed and massaged gently, all the time rocking her hips suggestively backwards and forwards.

    She burped slightly causing me to withdraw my tongue from her mouth and my left hand reached slowly down to the other hem of her dress. My intentions were clear and as I looked deep into her eyes I saw no protest. I lifted the hem of her dress and slowly lifted it over her head, exposing her body to the evening sun and allowing me to revel in the full glory of her beauty and the singularly unique combination of purple bra and grey knickers she now displayed.

    I turned her to face away from me and kissed her gently on the nape of her neck, taking care to avoid ingesting any more suncream. I reached through the small gap between her elbows and her body and ran my hands slowly down the front of her body, over her perfectly sized breasts and back behind her, across her slightly clammy armpits, still sticky from the early morning deoderant. I could see her chest heaving as my hands brushed across her expectant nipples and down underneath the roundness and fullness of her breasts.

    With an expert hand I undid her bra and with the flick of my wrist attempted to discard it in one movement, although it did not come at first. I tried again. And a third time. My frustration mounting, I planted my knee in the small of her back as I struggled and strained with the bastard clip. The castanets started up over the hillside once more and she threw her head back in pain. With her hair now firmly entangled in the reluctant clasp, I had no option but to bite through her locks, made golden by the Spanish sun and a bottle of Garnier's best. I spat several times trying to clear the hair from my mouth and throat.

    With the sweat beginning to form as little beads on my forehead, I wrenched with all my might at the clasp and finally it succumbed to my advances, although the hasps were now bent beyond all usefullness. As I casually discarded the bra, I caught the hasps in the quick of one of my fingers and it bled profusely for several minutes. I shook my hand in pain, only to scatter a few drops of blood onto the gleaming white cotton of her dress. I apologised and tried to rub it off, only to smudge it further across the fabric.

    As she knelt fussing over her ruined dress, I stood over her and marvelled at her voluptuous hips and the sensual curve in her spine as she arched her back, pushing her arse up into the warm evening air. I knelt behind her and her fingers dug into the dusty soil and her shoulders clenched with the anticipation of what was to come. My loins brushed lightly against the whiteness of her arse-cheeks which contrasted sharply with the dull greyness of her pants.

    I gingerly peeled them to her knees, not daring to look what might remain inside, and I slowly found my way to the target and needed no more than a gentle press to part her expertly and find my way deep inside her, making her shoulders rock as she pushed back to get properly impaled. Her breath was now more urgent as she leaned forward and then rammed back onto it, the force making her cheeks slap into my thighs. Her face and hair ground into the earth while a gluttural moaning emanated from deep inside her as she built up the rhythm to a faster more aggressive tempo. I reached down and laid my hands around her waist, gripping her tightly, and held her still whilst I teased at the opening of her bearded clam, now only barely inside her.

    Gripping her even tighter I piled into her with as much force as was polite causing her to slip slightly across the grassed bank. She gulped an urgent breath and waited for the next thrust. I delayed and delayed, holding myself once again barely inside her before forcing my whole self violently inside her. Her body tensed from the strength of the thrusting and the mounting waves of pleasure that grew inside her and flowed out to the extremities of her body.

    "Do it hard, as hard as you can" she said, the sudden explicitness shocking my heightened sense into new states of desire. "Jesus, I feel so alive" she added before pulling me into her once more and rocking from side to side to reach every pleasure receptor inside her. I looked back down at her.

    God, she was alive alright - thousands of tiny red ants had invaded her hair bringing it alive with an urgent scurrying around its new host. I brushed the back of her head a couple of times but this just served to agitate them to the point of biting so I panicked and began to beat her around the head with my palms which only served to push her excitement over the edge and the more I reached over to get to her head, the more she pushed back onto me, stopping me from getting good swipes in on her hair. I aimed a forceful blow through the back of her locks but she rocked her head back in pleasure once more and I caught her clean on the rear of the skull with the side of my hand, temorarily knocking her flat. Quickly, she regained her position on all fours and began to buck furiously as I swatted at the red enemy and all of a sudden breathed all manner of expletives into the Catalan soil as I felt her constrict around me and the waves of pleasure sweep through her body.

    To be continued........

  • A bit cheeky - picture of me in the bath!

  • Whats funnier...

    1. Writing posts when in the foggy hinterland between drunk and hungover
    2. Going to get your car from the pub on your sleek racing bike in the clothes you fell asleep in last night
    3. The proper WTF looks on the faces of a couple of lycra'd cyclos you pass going up a steep incline (always been good at hills)
    4. Misjudging your dismount upon arrival at car, forgetting you are wearing brogues and not cycling clips, and collapsing into a lampost, still firmly attached to the pedals
    5. Cycling the 3 miles home again after leaving car keys on the worktop.

    You decide

  • Someone else

    Feel like death this morning
    School open day in 2 hours
    Have to support No1 daughters first public flute performance
    But I wish it was someone else

    Feel like death this morning
    Dinner at mad friends tonight
    Have to join the party and make our contribution
    But I wish it was someone else

    Feel like death this morning
    Arms ache from keeping limpet snogee at bay
    I should feel flattered really
    But I wish it was someone else

    Feel like death this morning
    Another day in the balmy Barmy Arms looms tomorrow
    Ought to go and sing with the French
    But I wish it was someone else

    Feel like death this morning
    But Monday I'll smile again
    At fleeting glimpses of what might have been
    But I wish it was someone else

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